The Cure for Contempt

I had a panic attack once. It was Halloween night about 10 years ago and as was customary back then, I went to my best friend’s house to join him in taking his kids out trick or treating. At the time, I was starting out in my first marriage and I knew my friend and his wife weren’t supportive of the union. Still, they graciously invited us over to participate in the Halloween festivities.

The trick or treating went fine and the conversations were civil, but there was a strained and forced awkwardness to the evening. I felt a bit off physically and by the time I ended up back home, I turned around and headed straight to the hospital.

My chest had started burning and tightening. I felt light-headed and my breathing was labored and shallow. I felt like a stranger in my own body. At the emergency room, they ran several tests and after monitoring me for a few hours they found nothing concerning. In the middle of the night they sent me home.

The doctors told me that I likely I had a panic attack and/or a severe case of heartburn. Thankfully my physical heart wasn’t damaged, but although I didn’t know it yet, my heart was broken nonetheless.

Over the course of the ensuing months as the tightness persisted, I learned to calm my breathing and remind myself that nothing was physically wrong with me. But all of the yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises still couldn’t solve the dilemma. They say that the body keeps the score and my body knew that something in my “heart” was wrong before I did. That burning in the chest continued until I finally admitted the truth and got to work.

I’ll spare you the details, but in a word my first marriage was utterly contemptuous. After day in and day out of judgment and finger pointing, at some point you cross a line of spite that’s hard to come back from. You almost forget what side you’re on or how it even started; you just know that the ‘other’ person is the enemy.

In my case, I was swimming in a sea of hatred and I was drowning. I went into survival mode knowing that getting safely to shore meant getting rid of the poisonous venom in my heart and removing myself from the relationship.

Contempt is simply not a survivable situation. This is not a theory, but a scientifically validated opinion. John Gottman has been one of the foremost marriage psychologists for decades. He’s published dozens of peer reviewed research papers and written several books on the topic. Gottman’s studies can predict with over 90% accuracy whether couples will stay married or end up in divorce. Much of his work can be paraphrased with the statement: “Contempt kills relationships.”

As I found out the hard way, contempt can end your marriage. I also learned that contempt can literally make you sick. Studies show that those in a contemptuous relationship are more likely to have weakened immune systems and suffer from infectious illnesses. Is it possible that the pandemic we’re suffering through is so widespread partially because of such hatred? It’s worth considering.

Contempt is beyond disgust or distaste. Contempt is a cancer that poisons everything in its path. Contempt doesn’t care if you’ve been victimized, oppressed, or judged. Contempt doesn’t care if you’re “right.” Contempt afflicts the accuser and accused alike. Contempt is hatred, pure and simple. As Dr. Gottman points out, “unions” do not survive hatred - Not marriages, families, organizations, or countries.

When I recognized that contempt in my own heart, I knew it was time for a drastic change. My first instinct was to leave. For those that have ever been in an abusive relationship or a hateful marriage, sometimes you have to put on your own oxygen mask first and make it to safety. So I left my marriage, my job, my hometown, and I started fresh. But leaving was just the beginning.

I still had to get the venom out of my heart and removing the toxins required eradicating the disdain from my consciousness. I stopped drinking for a year, meditated and exercised daily, and started working on spiritual direction. It took a little time, but the poison finally dissipated and left my body and mind.

I hadn’t thought about that burning sensation in my chest for some time until I noticed it rearing its ugly head again recently. I immediately recognized the feeling - tightness, agitation, and a searing heat across my chest. I knew better than to ask my doctor or evaluate my diet. Thankfully, I’m now in a healthy and harmonious marriage, so it wasn’t that. After pondering the feeling, I realized that this time what’s making me literally feel sick is the hatred in my own country.

The primal part of me just wants to flee like I did back when I was surrounded by a wall of contempt in my first marriage. Sometimes I daydream of a sunny beach in Mexico as my next home, but changing locations won’t change the fact that I am an American and love my country. I’ll still have that tightness in my chest even on a beach in Mexico unless I do the work of removing the toxins from my thinking.

Ultimately there’s only one cure for contempt. It sounds a bit trite and pollyannaish to simply say “love, empathy, or understanding.” Truthfully, it’s a pretty tall order to love in the face of hate, seek peace in the face of injustice, or find forgiveness in the face of inequality. But make no mistake, loving, forgiving and letting go is the work. And the moment we say “but what about?” (the economy, the Supreme Court, or whatever your hot-button issue is) we stop doing the work.

There are no issues or exceptions that justify doubling down on contempt, because once you are infected with contempt, you cannot possibly see clearly. Besides, the ignorant and hateful are way better at it than you are. It’s what MLK, Gandhi, and Mandela all understood to be absolute - hate simply cannot stand in the face of love and forgiveness. We must let the ignorance and hate be theirs.

Only love offers the cure for contempt.